It is that time of year, it being cold and dark and dreary, to amuse ourselves by making resolutions for the new year. My research shows that resolutions suffer a die-off of about 20% a month, so that at the end of the year approximately 1% of our good intentions will still be active.
In the practice of medicine, in the presence of such awful results, we would do a “root cause analysis,” which is another way of saying “if we keep this up, we’ll all end up in jail.” Why do only 1% of resolutions make it to the finish line?
To begin with, most resolutions are unrealistic. If we are making a resolution, it is because we haven’t been doing something already, and we haven’t been doing it because it is hard.
Let’s start with a common resolution, which is losing weight. No one ever loses weight. The only way to lose weight is to quit weighing yourself and pretend you are losing weight. It is very helpful to have a friend who tells you it looks like you are losing weight. You will be required to tell them the same thing, but that doesn’t cost you anything. This is called codependence. There is a reason codependence is so popular.
Quitting smoking is another good one. That lasts about five to seven days. There are a few ways to quit smoking. You can wreck your lungs to the point that you require oxygen, then you can decide between breathing or burning your house down. Any number of cancers or blocked arteries can put a quicker end to your smoking habit. Or you can muster incredible willpower — nicotine addiction makes meth look like kid stuff — save yourself 300 bucks a month, and look 10 years younger. Warning: do not combine quitting smoking resolution with weight loss resolution.
Being more organized and practicing greater financial discipline are high on the list. Face it, you should have been doing this stuff 20 years ago. You are what you are, and you definitely ain’t what you ain’t. This is where you must make a very cold assessment of yourself. Rather than cracking down on credit card incontinence, cut the thing up in small pieces, and use cash and debit cards. Get rid of all but two shirts, pants, forks, plates, or anything else that piles up. Self-awareness beats a resolution every time.
Alcohol is always a top resolution. It is nice to have a buzz. Downsides are cancer, liver failure, expense, dementia, DUIs, calories and saying stupid stuff. We all know the score here. We can’t all live like monks. Bad example. Monks make wine.
Being a better spouse/friend/family member is a frequent resolution. This is tough for me, personally. I feel I am the ideal spouse — sensitive, good cook, great at cleaning house, careful listener, meticulously tidy and clean, not to mention ripped with movie star looks. How to do better?
My wife always reads these articles before I submit them, and this last paragraph seemed to stimulate a good deal of coughing and sputtering. She has had a cold, which I thought was getting better. She asked if the Pathfinder requires independent verification.
My resolution this year is better. Better knowledge of emergency medical services. Better woodworker, writer, husband, father, friend, forester, cook, baker and community member. Maybe not a lot better, but trending better.
Maybe the best resolution is to think about what someone else wants or needs. That resolution will be 100% successful.
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