Necessary Conflict

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,

but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,

but for the heart to conquer it.”

-Rabindranath Tagore

(cited in Thriving Through Tough Times, by Deidre Combs, 2012)

For some of us, conflict is a dirty word. We try to avoid it all costs. We pray for pain to go away. We steer clear of any person who makes us uncomfortable. We tend to leave those situations where we do not have control. Avoidance is a common flight response to fear, uncertainty and major discomfort. In the short-term this avoidance behavior is useful for feeling safe and protected. But in the long-term, giving in to this tendency can be detrimental to our personal well being, as well as the health of any gathered group of people.

Even (perhaps especially) in the community of faith, seemingly small conflicts and even great turmoil will be part of life. It is inevitable. Put people together, people with compassion for others and there will be as many ideas about how to love others as there are people sitting at the table. How we respond to the moments when conflict arises is what matters most. Instead of flight, we can engage in a holy fight response – not with fists or with a verbal arsenal, but with prayer, openness and perseverance.

 How will we engage in prayer when faced with conflict? When there is a personal struggle, will we pray to make the struggle go away? What might be different if we pray instead for courage, endurance and wisdom? When we disagree, will we first pray for one another - not that the other would change his or her mind but rather for mutual self-control, for the willingness to really hear one another?

What about when there is conflict in a relationship? When we hurt each other, will we turn our backs on one another? Could we share mercy, as it has been given to us? In the church, will we continue to meet one another at the Lord’s Table - trusting in the healing and forgiveness offered there to begin taking steps toward one another?

Conflict is inevitable and it is necessary for deep growth and lasting transformation, at both the personal and the communal levels. So let us not neglect these moments in our lives. Let us recognize them as opportunities to pray through the struggles, to come together with openness. Let us not give up but trust the power of the Holy Spirit to bring about the deeper change - change that, without the conflict, would not have been possible.

Disclaimer: Please note that this approach does not apply when abuse or violence are present in the relationship.